I took some time to reflect on why that would make me freak out, and I realized it was because I wasn't ready to let go of some things in the past. Particularly that past relationship. At that time, letting go to me meant forgetting the past and that was the last thing I wanted. Regardless of all the pain that had come along with that relationship ending, it was still a wonderful four years that I loved. It is and will always be a part of me.
I also wasn't sure how to let go. Everyone has their own ways of letting go of relationships and moving on. Maybe a new relationship helps some, but I knew I wasn't ready for that. The best way I knew how to find myself in the mess that had become my life was to move. Pack up my apartment, quit my job, and move to somewhere new. Sure, some people might say I was running away from my problems, which part of me might have been. But I was also running toward something great, something even better than I could have imagined.
Lately I've learned that I'm on my way to finally letting go of the past. I can't pinpoint a specific thing I've done to help this, or even a moment when something changed. It's all been gradual, like most healing wounds. But each day there is a part of me that is stronger than before.
I've become more comfortable with just being me, not us.
I can go longer periods of time without dwelling on those last moments, bringing back the hurt and confusion.
I still get angry at him on some days. I still miss him on others.
I wonder "what ifs" from time to time, although I know that won't do any good.
But mostly, I'm learning to be at peace with the past. Not to look back anymore, but focus on the present and prepare for the future.
I'm not perfect, and I don't have all the answers to fixing a broken heart.
I do know that truly living my life and loving every moment of it is what I have to thank for putting the pieces back in place.
