Solitude

Sometimes I don't know why I hike with my roommates. They seem to run up the mountain, regardless of how strenuous it seems to be. At first, I get annoyed by it. We came to do this hike together, as a group. Then I get annoyed when they stop to wait on me or check on me. It makes me feel inferior, or as if I'm not good enough to handle the hike. Then sometimes, they get so far ahead of me that I can't see them, and there is no one around me, and I'm left to hike on my own.

I've realized I enjoy these particular moments, and even crave them. When I'm alone on the trail with no distractions around, I freely let my mind wander, think, create. Or not think at all, and simply enjoy the beauty around me. No talk of work, or plans, or problems; just me and the trail and the trees and the mountain. The still of the trail is peaceful and healing to my stressed out mind lately.

More and more lately, I feel myself needing these times of solitude. I feel as if I'm coming to a crossroads in my life. I am often more restless, unsettled around the time I have to decide on my next move. Only, this time it feels different. More permanent, in a way. The only difference that I believe is making it seem that way is the potential to move closer to family, and the expectation to do so. I've been craving familiarity and stability as of late. But choosing a place to settle is, well, unsettling to me.

Making decisions has never been my strongest attribute, not big decisions at least. I always worry that it will be the wrong one, that I'll be unhappy. The moments leading up to such things leave me full of restlessness and unease. This time is no different. It only makes matters worse when I've constantly got the buzz of the outside world in my ear. My times alone help me focus on the decision at hand, without the distractions and influence of the others. I know that when it comes down to it, I'll make the best choice for me, and if it turns out to be less than great, then it's not the end of the road and God has other plans for me.